And This is How We Live Now

And This is How We Live Now

Aaron Applebey

April 12, 2020


In the midst of all this pandemic-associated numbness, I wanted to throw together some alternative activities to help in disassociating yourself from our current global situation

These activities are mindful of how financially broken many of us now are when it seems like our federal government wants us dead. Let’s dig in.

1. Brainstorm New, Of-The-Moment Words

In the past few weeks, phrases like “social distancing” and the pejorative “Karen” have bungled their way into our cultural consciousness. To help you get started, look to the following examples for inspiration:

  • Quarantinenvy (noun)

/ kwôrən – tēn – envē /

Definition: A numb jealousy one experiences from the practice of comparing their quarantine living situation to another’s

Example:

“How nice it would be to be in my mid-thirties right now; preferably childless, living in a loft with a lover named Scottie or Alonzo who mainly does his own thing. *Exasperated breath* Ya know, I see these Brooklyn gay couples on Insta living it up and I jus- Oh! I caught myself having quarantinenvy.”

  • Pandemy (noun)

/Pan – demē/

Definition: A cute way to say “pandemic”

Example: “This pandemy could sure take its foot off my neck, huh?”

  • Qualideed (adjective):

/kwälədēd/

Definition: When the only place you feel confident going is your local mid-Michigan Quality Dairy. Afterwards when your roommates, family or friends ask, you use this word to describe your state of being.

Example:

Well I got my Slim Jims and tonight’s DiGiorno’s. Ya better believe, I’m Qualideed.”

2. Have You Tried Sitting When You Pee? Now’s the Time.

The activity, in my opinion, offers comfort and accuracy in a world of unknown — something penis-wielders may need right now.

Though, I suppose, those who enjoy the sport of aiming might feel a tad lost at a 90 degree position. For those folks, I would go for trick shots. How can you incorporate mirrors? Get creative.

3. Roommates to Romance!

Last month, the New York City Health Department released official guidelines on how to have healthy sex throughout the pandemy. Here’s the thing, readers. We have ourselves and, in the words of NYC Health, “The next safest partner is someone you live with.” 

Most of us are sincerely bored/despondent/whatevs. So unless your roommate is your family, and there is a bubbling cauldron of lust and desire in the air that’s been percolating since August of 2019 when you moved in, having sex with your consenting roomie might be the move. Make some chaotic memories.

4. Become a Barb!

If there’s anything I can recommend — something that transcends generational gaps and any specific fashion — is an appreciation and fandom (i.e. one of the barbz) of the quintessential Nicki Minaj. The cultural tide is certainly shifting that way. Climb aboard with her 2011 album, Pink Friday and work your way through.

5. Okay, Here Are Ideas That Aren’t Bad:

  • Toast a Peanut Butter and Jelly
  • Be on a roof. Try that for a bit.
  • Watch all of Mad Men, plug your ears, stick out your tongue and give a proper scream until whatever misogyny is over and done with. Sure, Mad Men’s depiction of sexism is like *the* point of the show, but at least you’ll feel better than it.
  • Rename the streets in your neighborhood
  • Volunteer at a food bank or donate
  • Take the time to perfect your breakfast sandwich.
  • Practice your signature!
  • Return to the instrument you quit & yell at it some more
  • Draw what you think Timothée Chalamet is feeling
  • Learn Rummy
  • Contemplate morality
  • Sit down for awhile
  • Stand up for awhile
  • Google who Tom Nook is
  • Hire me please for a job please

So, what are you waiting for? Get out there… or stay in there and try your absolute best to not let this pandemy screw with your vibe more than it already has. It doesn’t deserve your tears, Quar* sister. This boredom has nothing on you!

* “Quar” – all the cool girls are using this right now!! 


Aaron Applebey is a Media & Information senior with minors in Public Relations, Filmmaking, and LGBTQ+ Studies. In their free time, Aaron maintains a passion for creative writing, performing comedy and watching movies. Follow @ajapplebey across the socials for chaotic midwest ramblings.