By: Sarah Munson
April 10th, 2022
Please note: The following article is satire.
The college experience is a thrilling and challenging period in a young adult’s life, and one of their first concerns is their living arrangement. An incoming freshman wonders if they will share a dorm with the lab partner they tolerated in high school, a childhood best friend or a stranger who always has their face turned to a computer monitor. They resent negotiating the complicated task of who will bring the mini-fridge and who will haul the outdated microwave from 1995. And there’s the paradox of transitioning into adulthood while spending nights afraid of falling off the top bunk.
Knowing this struggle of dorm decorating and budgeting, we’ve compiled a list of the newest recommended essentials. Yes, it makes perfect sense for students to splurge on dorm supplies only a month before the moving-out deadline. After all, there’s no better way to tackle the semester slump than retail therapy. Here are eight items necessary for any Spartan:
8. Formal Michigan State Hoodie
Few things are more embarrassing than looking underdressed in a professional setting. Professors encourage Spartan fellowship and networking with successful alumni, but what are you to do when most of your wardrobe is comfortable hoodies and sweatpants? Well, the revolutionary MSU hoodie 2.0 with a retractable tie is the ideal combination of Spartan pride and business. The tie comes in a wide color scheme ranging from light green to dark green. Add another element of networking preparation by opting for the “resume outline” pattern!
7. Velvet Barrier Rope
Spartans love to party, but that doesn’t guarantee a lawn in front of a frat house to trample; some must settle with their 120 square foot dorms. These parties (obeying the maximum capacity of ten people) need an entrance that entices friends and stragglers in the hallway. The velvet barrier rope is perfect for this task; simply place it outside the door with an optional bouncer, and potential guests will say, “Hey, what’s this V.I.P. access nightclub doing next to the communal bathroom? I better look to see if there is a game of Cards Against Humanity going on!”
6. Wii Sports: Gym Bro Edition
We know how annoying it can be heading to your nearest IM, especially when walking in the cold feels like a work-out itself. Sure, there’s the option of rolling out the yoga mat or lifting weights in the comfort of your own space, but why not tack on nostalgia? Luckily for Spartans, the iconic Wii Sports game just got hardcore. The recent update includes background music by artists like Kanye West, Dababy and Post Malone, so you can feel even more motivated when you slip on the remote’s wrist strap.
5. Messaging LED Lights
Many students purchased LEDs and turned their dorms into something out of “Blade Runner 2049,” but what’s stopping them from upgrading further? Spelling obscene phrases and party invites with sticky notes on the window is old news. Instead, try out the modern hobby of speaking in morse code and take advantage of those remote-controlled LED lights. It’ll only require a few dots and dashes to spell out your most creative insults towards rival schools.
4. Midnight Scream Alarm
The soulless noise emitted by the default Apple alarm is far too ordinary and lacks that Michigan State flair. Using your mobile device as an alarm also risks aimless social media browsing in the morning. The Midnight Scream Alarm is the solution—not only does it replicate the productive sounds of a Spartan exam week, the loud volume is also impossible to sleep through. That 8:00 a.m. lecture will be a refuge as the alarm continues to scream until it confirms your class attendance.
3. Dual-purpose Graduation Cap/Laptop Bag
An old saying goes, “The tassel is worth the hassle!” Unfortunately, a good chunk of college does not involve wearing a tassel. Enter the dual-purpose graduation cap/laptop bag, which visually represents your commitment to finishing school and provides that necessary boost. Even if you’re still inclined to procrastinate, you can unzip the cap and type papers while waiting to hear your name called.
2. Dairy Store Flavor Packets
Sesquicentennial Swirl is a flavor that seems cruelly limited to the ice cream from the MSU Dairy Store, but it doesn’t have to be. When Spartans aren’t indulging in ice cream, they’re cooking ramen noodles. MSU listened and released a new line of exciting Dairy Store ramen flavors, bridging the gap between ramen and ice cream consumption. Enjoy the familiar flavors without the pain of brain freeze—but try to avoid burning your tongue.
1. President Stanley Action Figure
Though his emails are already so personable and uplifting, the mystique of local celebrity President Stanley remains. Imagine the conversations you’ll start when you reveal your own President Stanley Action Figure! He comes with bendable fingers for email-sending action, a set of tuition bills and a miniature Cowles House. Need an outlet to express your unrelenting school spirit? His voice box plays a recording of him saying, “Go Green!” that you can respond to with “Go White!” for as long as you want.
Buy all these things, and you’re guaranteed a top-tier college experience. Plus, mention this checklist to a friend, and we’ll throw in a futon!
Sarah Munson is a junior majoring in professional and public writing with a focus on technical writing. In her free time, she enjoys studying film, comedy and history, as well as drawing and designing.